Humour - Jokes 1
When Nuns are admitted to heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they became angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy "And SO," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger". "0K" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven". The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit". "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven". Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency" says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line "if I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her arse in it
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A little old lady, well into her 90's, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop.Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss? The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: Yes we have dildos. Actually we carry many models. The old woman then asks: Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave one tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo
inchesss thththiiickkk? The clerk responded, "Yes we do". Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?
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A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and said, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
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A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Jewish men have the biggest diameter penises. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Greenburg, nice to meet you."
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One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
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A kid comes home from school and says to his mum, "Mum I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what are they. He says "Well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy ." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mum and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mum with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the enterfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle is pussy." "OK dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son," He says, "everything outside that circle."
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Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the men's retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and saucily announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand, can have sex with me tonight!" A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and replies, "Close enough!"
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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ... promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 3 A.M. drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh F***,' cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.
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A thief is busily doing his work one night when he hears a voice: "Jesus is watching you". He looks around but sees no-one, so he continues, but the voice speaks again: "Jesus is watching you." Again he looks around but this time he sees a parrot in a cage. He walks up to the cage and says: "A talking parrot, that's fantastic... are you Jesus?" "No," replies the bird "I'm Moses". The thief laughs, "What silly people would name a parrot Moses!" "The same people who'd call a Rottwieler Jesus" replies the bird.
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