Humour - Jokes
Tommy Cooper Quotes
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard."
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Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
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A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?" "No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."
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Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go "Aaaaaaagghhhh" and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in..
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He said "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I thought "That's a turn-up for the books.
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And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said "Do you earn a living doing that?" He said "Yes, this my livelihood."
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.."
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine.." So that was nice.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said "I want to buy an ice-cream". "He said Hundreds & thousands?"
I said "We'll start with one." He said "Knickerbocker glory?" I said "I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes."
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I went to Millets and said "I want to buy a tent." He said "To camp?" I said (butchly) "Sorry, I want to buy a tent."
I said "I also want to buy a caravan." He said "Camper?" I said (camply) "Make your mind up."
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So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
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Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought "This is
unusual". And the dentist said to me "Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet."
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said "You are."
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said "It depends where you're calling from."
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So I rang up a local building firm, I said "I want a skip outside my house." He said "I'm not stopping you."
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
Its either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang Up, and he said "You've been promoted." And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director." And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?" And I said "I careered off the road.
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